What Happened to Feelings?

Transparent Blog Moment……

So I purchased the new Chris Brown Album (did I just say album?) yesterday. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m a fan. There are 45 songs. FORTY-FIVE WHOLE SONGS!! Obviously, he had a lot to get off his chest, and I certainly see why now that I’ve listened to it in its entirety,  I can tell that this young man is hurting. I know, I know, “But Kita, what about him putting his hands on Rhianna, and supposedly stalking “Karaoke” (I can’t spell her name)?

let’s talk about it……

1st of all, as far as he and Rhianna go, I don’t believe he “beat” her, I think they had a disagreement, she punched, he punched, and though I’ve told my boys growing up that you don’t put your hands on a woman, I also told my daughter that if you hit a man, you better be prepared for his impulse reaction. I don’t believe that fight between them was one-sided, but that’s just my opinion…again, I’m a fan.

So about these feelings…

There is a lot of pain throughout his album, some songs I feel may be about Rhianna, but certainly, there is a lot of unresolved pain there for “Karate” as well. He has a song called “Even” and man oh man, I wanted to give him a hug. But that’s just one of the songs I can think of off the top of my head. There are so many more painful songs in there. I know most folks look at Chris and think he’s some sort of thug. But I look at him and see a young man with a lot of demons that he’s battling, one being himself. I think he wants to love and be loved, but he has to put on a facade for the public and act unbothered because “feelings” now days equate to “weakness”.

So about this “transparent blog”…

I have recently (just at 46) learned to face some of my own demons that have led to many unsuccessful relationships. Of course, people always ask “why are you single”? You’re smart, funny, witty, wise, beautiful” etc. These are all things I know (toot-toot, beep-beep) Ijs….Thing is, I hate getting in too deep and getting my “feelings” hurt.  But as I was listening to Chris pour his heart out on some of these songs, I couldn’t help but sit in my own feelings, 1st I had to look around and make sure that no one else was able to tell I was “feeling” because we aren’t supposed to “feel”. Pair that with the demons, and it’s a dangerous combo. The craziest part about that is that I’m a “feeler”. I feel EVERYTHING, so much so, I’ve deemed myself an empath. So how does one who feels everything, suppress feelings? Certainly, can make you appear a bit “off”.

Opening myself up to love…

The main reason I’ve been able to face so many of my own demons (mostly in the last 2.5 years), is because God decided to send me my twin. Someone who’s so much like me that it’s like seeing my insides through a mirror, my soul, unresolved issues with my parents, past relationship failures, and pain. Someone who seems just afraid to feel, but can call my demons out by their name, and they recognize him. Most times all I can do is sit in awe as he tells me all about them and why they act the way they do, and I can do the same with him. There have been a lot of tumultuous moments, hell months even, because although we are grown, and know that we set our own demonsstandards, those damn demons start battling one another, and the human side of us want to bolt!! I see this a lot nowadays in folks though. 2 people clearly want to be together, but have so much “baggage” (which I’ve learned isn’t always baggage, sometimes there is something deeper fighting it). It’s like neither can put their ego nor pride aside and just “FEEL”, or live IN, and FOR that moment of love!!!

 

Chris’ album is aptly named “Heartbreak on a Full Moon” and couldn’t have come out at a better time. Having had yet another spat with “The Demon Whisperer” (hahaha, I have to laugh he’s gonna side-eye that when he reads this, but it’s hilarious!!), I was finally saying to myself “I’m done, obviously it isn’t meant for us, although we keep finding our way back to one another, and Lord, when it’s good, it’s FANTASTIC, and though, we’d both tried really hard this time, admitting that when it’s bad, it’s HORRIBLE. But as I listened to the songs on Chris’ album, and sat in my feelings, I didn’t feel sad, I didn’t feel confused, I didn’t feel angry, I didn’t feel resentment at trying over and over with this guy, I didn’t feel anxious, I didn’t feel “stupid”, I didn’t feel like I’d made a mistake with trying again. But what I did was….I “FELT”, I felt love pour over me, I felt the waves of passion for another human being take over, I felt every memory we’d created, I felt like maybe I wasn’t giving it my all before because of being afraid to “feel” and be let down. I felt sad for Chris, someone who I feel is lost. Lost in a world of “Celebrity” where everything he does is always going to be scrutinized, not just based on him being a celebrity, but because of a bad decision, he made when he was barely 21. Lord forbid I am ever judged for all of the stupid stuff I did at that age.

But of course, no one feels bad for him because we don’t feel. We judge, we react to everything and everyone with harshness. No compassion, no consideration, no understanding that we are all here, trying to get it right while battling our own demons.

I’m choosing love and feelings….

With all of that said, I always say that I have a crush on Chris, and though I think he’s the cutest thing ever, what I’ve always felt for him is a certain compassion, a desire to just sit him down and tell him it’s okay. He’s around the same age as my sons actually, and I wouldn’t want things to turn out for them the way they have for him, Watching and listening to his pain, as well as his demon cries is heartbreaking, to say the least. But his new album helped me choose to walk in love. To allow me to be loved by my “twin”. To feel every moment, good and bad. To enjoy each second we spend together, talking, dancing, singing (yes, we sing to one another), making love, sharing our pain, sharing our dreams, and so much more. And not FEEL bad that we aren’t perfect….neither of us. But we found one another in a world where so many are in search of something… Most not even sure of what. I know I wasn’t sure.

There is a calm that washes over me when I think about this love An indescribable “feeling”. And although most would argue that you should be healed completely or finished working on the perfect you-you’d like to be for your next relationship, that doesn’t mean it’s going to work or last. It’ll only work or last if you choose to make it work. A hard lesson learned, but one so worthwhile.

So my hope for anyone reading this, as well as Chris, is that you allow yourselves to feel, open yourselves back up to love, passion, joy, sadness, pain, happiness, understanding, forgiveness, compassion, and a whole lot more. Sit in the feelings, face them, understand them, and then go out and share them with others. We need it in the world we live in. I promise your feelings won’t kill you, but holding them in just might.

 

8 Comments

  1. SCREAMING YESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you for this post. Sharing heals and helps slay them demons. This warmed my heart like you wouldn’t believe. We are all fighting something but thank God for the not quite perfect people he allows to come into our lives that teach us that it’s okay not to be okay.

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  2. Your honesty always gives me chills. In a good way. Cause your truth speaks to my heart. Blessings upon you for being open and authentic. 💜💚💙

    Like

  3. I really believe that he is hurting and I hope true love finds him and fills him up. Everyone deserves to know that. I love you and all of your quirkiness. And know that feelings are wonderful especially when they’re returned. When it’s real #theresnothingbetterthanlove

    Like

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