When your exercise routine traumatizes the kids!!!
So THIS post is going to be one of my short blog posts, as I’m almost embarrassed to write it, but I have to share this with you all.
With Trump currently being the head idiot in charge, and life feeling out of control (you know being single, trying to date, going through menopause, trying to move up stay motivated at the job, trying not to kill anyone. The normal stuff), I’ve started to find ways to enjoy the things that I CAN control, like for instance, going to the gym, getting my body tight, reading more, working on my mental, and emotional health, smudging (sage), keeping my energy positive and……. working on my Kegel muscles. I’m single, want to find that right one, cause it seems that his ass has gotten lost on his way to find me (where are Dorothy and Toto when I need them to guide HIM to me?). And I want things to be right and tight. Plus they are good for combating incontinence, and at this age, a hard sneeze or laugh could end in a pissy mess!!!!
Let’s get right to it……
I recently invested in some “kegel eggs”. These ones are like a 6-week program. There are 3 purple eggs (in varying shades) and three egg harnesses (1 by itself, and a double harness). So the lightest shade egg is lightweight. You start off with that one, put it in one of the harnesses and wear it an hour daily for 7 days, then move to the darker purple egg, it’s heavier, wear it for 7 days, and then the darkest one (which is weighted the heaviest) and wear it for 7 days. Then you move to the double harness, and put two in at a time (feels like porn after a while), but HEY, I’m bored, down for testing it out, ain’t getting none, so let’s see if I can eventually lift a brick with this COONTA!!
Week one went Great, gotta focus, try not to sit down, as I don’t want to cheat, I want to stand up, flex these muscles and keep it in. A few times I forgot and there was a slight slip, but I was able to suck it right on back in there without hesitation. Alright West Virginia (that’s what I call my va jay-jay, long story), I see ya girllllll, flexing on ’em. WE GOT THIS!!!
Plot twist BYTCHES…..
Week 2, grandbabies at the house, but I’m not going to let my hard work from week one go to waste. So I get up, early Saturday morning, slip in the heavier one while the kiddos are still sleeping, and go to make breakfast. All is well, I’m humming along to the radio, moving around, proud that I’m focusing, but not as hard as I did week one, and all seems to be going well. Babies wake up, we dance around a little laughing, (me not as hard cause I’m still getting used to this thang). I started mixing up the eggs to scramble, (irony, but not those eggs, real eggs), lil salt, lil cheese lil pepper….. HA, a lil pepper. Yeah, that wasn’t a good idea. Pepper makes me sneeze. I feel the sneeze coming on, and the kids are still running to and fro and laughing and playing, and I’m trying to hold the sneeze in. But it happens.
Now keep in mind, these kegel balls are shaped like eggs. So, just as MISS JADA, (granddaughter) comes running in the kitchen, I let out a sneeze that was probably the hardest of my life. And it happens…..
And it happens…..
The egg pops out and rolls across the floor. It rolls for about 15 miles before it stops, and I’m hoping that they don’t see it, but it’s loud and it’s rolling. Kinda reminded me of the scene in “Poltergeist” when the mom is running down the hallway, that starts off about 12 steps, but it turns into 1,494 steps. It won’t stop rolling. And when it does, because it’s an egg, it does this weeble may wobble, but they don’t fall down long asssssss, Dramatic assssssss stop. And Jada and I lock eyes, with our faces agasp, for what feels like 35 minutes. And she looks at me, then she looks at it, then she looks at the grandboy (who’s only 2, and headed to pick the egg up), and she looks at me, and she looks at it, and she looks at him, and I’m blinking my eyes quickly, trying to figure out if I’m awake or not, and this is all happening in slow motion. As I run 15 miles to try to reach the egg before he does. And Jada asks *in her most innocent voice* “Nana, you laid an egg”? To which the 2 y/o who barely speaks, repeats after her. I’ve been trying to get him to talk forever, and this is what he chooses to say as his real first sentence with me? And my legs give out. And I ask for death right there. I prayed and asked God to please take me now. My life flashes before my eyes and I told him (God) I’d lived a long enough life and to please, just put me out of my misery. But he didn’t, and I looked at her, and words wouldn’t come out. They were stuck in my throat.
So I RAN….
I ran into my room, with the now sticky egg (don’t ask), in my hand. Slammed the door and locked it. Ran into the bathroom, threw the egg in the sink, as I ran hot water over it, washing my hands, looking myself in the mirror, and wondering what I’ve become. Who am I? What kinda grandmother does this? Wait…. The kind trying to get her groove back. I won’t let these little munchkins make ME feel bad for trying to get them a good granddad. I’m doing this for THEM. “Yeh, this is more for them than me”….is the pep talk I gave myself. And just as I was headed to the door to unlock it, and face them, I heard them knocking, and Jada asks, “Nana, you in there trying to hatch your egg”.
I called their parents and asked them to come pick them up, explained that I’d been reading “Jack and The Beanstalk” to them *dodges lightning*, so if they say something about me laying an egg, it was me getting into the character of the goose who laid a golden egg.
I spent the rest of the weekend in the house, with the blinds and curtains closed, under the cover, watching the gospel channel on cable.