When you’re trying to be “HOT”, but not literally……
As a single woman in Atlanta, you realize how FIERCE the competition is, so it’s human nature to want to “step your game up”, if you will. There are women out here who’s bodies look like something fresh out of a 90’s Mystikal video, and the only thing I can “Shake Fast” is my fist, at erratic drivers on i285, in a geriatric manner. A sistah’s better body days are probably long behind her, and as a member of generation x, I’ve come to grips with that.
The makeup ability of these youngens is also very intimidating. I’ve spent hundreds of dollars on makeup….well maybe not hundreds, closer to fifties of dollars, and countless hours on YouTube tutorials, only to end up standing in my bathroom mirror looking more like a Barnum & Bailey circus act, than “America’s Next Top Model”, (“I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU, WE WAS ALL ROOTING FOR YOU”!!) I have concluded the people who pull off flawless made up faces are wizards, witches, voodoo priests, and sorcerers, because it seems nearly impossible for an average woman like myself to do.
I guess I’ll start small, get my eyebrows fleeked out (do people still say “fleek”?), and maybe get some lashes. Never thought I would glue small hairs to my eyelids. The thought of anything that I wasn’t born with being that close to my cornea, always freaked me out. I shutter at the thought of contacts. But hey, let’s enhance what we can, within reason.
So, I found myself standing in the lash aisle of a beauty supply store so ENORMOUS, it would make Walmart blush. It had an ENTIRE aisle dedicated to lashes. Let me say this… menopause has made my patience as short as the grey strands on my vagina (that’s an entirely different blog post).
Looking around at dozens upon dozens, upon dozens of lash styles, lengths, brands…human, fake, mink, GOODNESS, can I just be great without all of this? I just want to be great momma. And don’t get me started on the glue, and the different tool options to put the lashes on with. And then the lashes are numbered, they are NUMBERED!! Arrgggh, sweat started pouring down my back, because I sweat now, out of nowhere, it could be 10 degrees outside and I sweat just because I have pores, I sweat thinking about sweating, I’m actually sweating now…maybe it’s a flashback of sweating that has caused me to sweat, or could be a hot flash, I can’t tell now days. Anywho, I pick a pair, pretty reasonably priced, and the number is 132. Got the glue, got the lash “installation” tool. YAYY!
Once home, armed with a bottle of wine, my number 132s, my glue, my lash tool, a magnifying mirror, some trap music (I hear it makes putting on makeup easier), and YouTube, I think I’m ready. Now all I have to do is figure out how I’m going to see how to put these lashes on my eyes, without my eyeglasses, because, oh yeah, menopause has come and made my vision worse (menopause is the Obama of my life, I’m going to blame it for everything). Of course I start sweating as I contemplate how this is going to work. Okay, just breathe, and put your glasses on long enough to see how to put the glue on the strip of the lash. This may actually work. Imagine how your grandmother used to look trying to thread a sewing needle. That was me, trying to paint glue onto the strip of these tiny hairs.
Now let’s pull YouTube up on the phone and look out of our peripheral at the girl on the screen, after we take our glasses off and close one eye……. Listen. I ended up with one set of lashes sideways, and the other pair darn near on my eyebrows. And that was after constantly patting sweat from my face so they’d stick.
After several attempts, a few bottles of wine, a bottle and a half of glue, 6 pair of lashes, and a trip to see my pastor (don’t ask), I decided to go let someone else put them on. They turned out cute, but I ended up pulling them off, as well as my real lashes one night after a bad hot flash where I thought someone had poured a bucket of water on me and dropped my bed into the pits of hell, and I was on fire!!
Hot Flashes and eyelashes not being able to coexist is a hard thing to accept. Although standing in the mirror, naked…both body and eyelids…and your tiny gray pubic hairs peeping from the part of your vagina that you are able to see under your stomach, while you’re sweating, you pretty much have no other choice but to let it go, and find something else to enhance. Hmmmm maybe I should get my tongue pierced. I hear that men are really turned on by that now days.